Good Morning and Happy Monday!
Do I think about Chloe’s future? The answer is yes and no. I try to focus on the day I am trying to get through without messing up. I have always said if I think to far ahead fear and depression set it. I worried about my older daughter and she is living on her own and I am so very proud of her. Chloe has more severe issues that will require I care for her as long as I or she is here.
I worry more about my future. I am trying to get my health in check, but have eaten out to much lately, out of stress. I am trying to exercise as much as I can, when my body doesn’t ache or Chloe isn’t screaming (on tough days). I already have hypothyroidism and non alcoholic fatty liver disease and I do have anxiety and depression. I am 48 years old and Chloe is only 9. I know I have to get myself in good health to be able to care for her as she gets older. She is already as tall as me and over 100 pounds! I am no longer able to physically maneuver her when she gets out of hand in public or lift her out of the tub when she is being stubborn and won’t get out of the bathtub. To be honest, I am terrified to take her out in public alone.
So I try not to think about the future to often. It hits me when I am asked “Who will care for Chloe when you and her Dad are gone”? She has older siblings, but I don’t know that any of them are equipped to care for her. It is scary to think about. I have had someone in my family tell me they would care for her if no one else would. They have their hands quite full, but I know they would and do love her very much. I think that is the scariest thing for me to think about, future wise, is who cares for her after I am gone. I know I need a will drawn up, but until I am 100 % certain on who will care for her I can’t really do that. I feel like I am rambling, but that is what happens when I think about the future for our little girl.
That is why I focus on today. She is sitting beside me right now drawing her little characters. She is giggling and singing Christmas songs. That makes me smile and pulls me out the anxiety and depression that I fight daily. Today is the most important moment for me.