I became a Mom for the first time in 1994. That’s the day I lost my identity. I became Chris’s Mom and then when I had my first daughter in 1996 I became Chris and Mattie’s Mom. I give everything I have to trying to be a good mother. I’m not saying it’s a terrible thing, but everyone must have balance in their lives. My life has been out of balance for a very long time. I gave birth to Chloe in 2010 at almost 39 years old. Once she was diagnosed with Autism I gave 100% to being a mom and had nothing left for my husband. My wonderful husband has always spoiled me and encouraged me to spoil myself. I feel so guilty if I do. I don’t know why, I just do.
Parenting a child with Autism, or any special need, is tough mentally, emotionally, physically and sometimes spiritually. I always feel the need to do everything right and not upset anyone. ANXIETY OVERLOAD PEOPLE!!! Now that we are back to homeschooling that’s one more thing I must be perfect at. The past few days I have been praying a lot and I know I have to find that balance. I will be 47 on August 27th and I don’t want to spend another moment wasting time on unnecessary stress. I joke with my husband he must love me to deal my special brand of crazy. LOL.
I haven’t felt very “girly” for many years. So the first thing I want to do is buy some new clothes. I stopped wearing makeup, but I do miss it, and may try it again. I’m going to take time to decompress and start a few hobbies back I pushed aside awhile ago. I need this not just for me, but for my family. it is so important we take care of ourselves or we can’t take care of others that need us. A big regret I have is not being a good example for my older children. They grew up watching me be full of anxiety. I have met a lot of parents of autistic children in the same shape as me. Our lives are so full taking care of our children we forget ourselves. This chick is going to work hard at finding the balance I need to make my life flow so much better.
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